Going Full Vanilla

It started with a sound. Rather ranting to a good friend about how unavailable I was to what was most precious to me. And how I couldn’t shake it off. I felt I needed to get in more detail to convey the intensity and frantic aspect of it all.

We were on the phone and I couldn’t mimic it just right. So I wrote it down in the tempo I was living it. So she could follow me around the room as she was reading.

That’s Going Full Vanilla

Once that piece was out, others kept coming. They were bits I usually kept tucked away in my head. As if they were letting me know there was nothing to be ashamed of.

And the oddest thing happened. What I expressively held back in fear of loosing people, was actually what got them interested.

So here it goes, from me to me to you. Because we all have our quirks and ways of dealing with Life. And because each time I read myself back I feel a little less alone. I hope you’ll do too.

Going Full Vanilla

My moons came on Sunday. Each month they come with a powerful insight. This time they delivered: I am bleeding time and power all over. If I was leaking blood I would probably have 6 hours left to live. Or even 4.

Every day I sit down for 20 minutes of guitar practice. After 10 seconds I jerk back up. Somehow this instant has become an irresistible moment to:
– tidy my hair
– adjust my chair
– straighten the covers on my bed
– let my hair down
– brush and tie my hair again
– go for a pee
– go for a glass of water
– change my shirt
– put on warm socks
– put off socks so I can feel the air on my feet
– make a todo list
– go to the window, I just heard a cat
– go defrost some fish

In the 20 minutes I could probably walk around the world and back. And give less than 12 seconds for guitar.

When I give attention to someone else, I can go on for 2 hours straight without budging, even stop breathing if I must. I give & give without others asking. I have the best questions, share excellent advice, deliver loads of energy, enthusiasm and smiles.

Until I drop. Depleted. Sad. In despair.
This happens every day.

I tell myself tomorrow will be different.
That it’s easy, I know what to do, it’s only 20 minutes.
But it isn’t and I don’t and it’s not.

It’s unbelievable
It’s outrageously scary
It’s just out of the question

If Vanilla is what I dedicate to myself and Chocolate how I care for others, my cup would be empty. None of it replenishes me.

I need to go Full Vanilla

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