My moons came on Sunday. Each month they come with a powerful insight. This time they delivered: I am bleeding time and power all over. If I was leaking blood I would probably have 6 hours left to live. Or even 4.
Every day I sit down for 20 minutes of guitar practice. After 10 seconds I jerk back up. Somehow this instant has become an irresistible moment to:
– tidy my hair
– adjust my chair
– straighten the covers on my bed
– let my hair down
– brush and tie my hair again
– go for a pee
– go for a glass of water
– change my shirt
– put on warm socks
– put off socks so I can feel the air on my feet
– make a todo list
– go to the window, I just heard a cat
– go defrost some fish
…
In the 20 minutes I could probably walk around the world and back. And give less than 12 seconds for guitar.
When I give attention to someone else, I can go on for 2 hours straight without budging, even stop breathing if I must. I give & give without others asking. I have the best questions, share excellent advice, deliver loads of energy, enthusiasm and smiles.
Until I drop. Depleted. Sad. In despair.
This happens every day.
I tell myself tomorrow will be different.
That it’s easy, I know what to do, it’s only 20 minutes.
But it isn’t and I don’t and it’s not.
It’s unbelievable
It’s outrageously scary
It’s just out of the question
If Vanilla is what I dedicate to myself and Chocolate how I care for others, my cup would be empty. None of it replenishes me.
I need to go Full Vanilla