Its OK, I’ll just repeat the list

These mornings, my mind has been pretty chaotic,
to the extent that the next 30 minutes are a blur.
I can forget or not be quite clear on what to do next
I have all the todoes in my head,
I just can’t seem to figure out how they line up.

I have to focus on them,
Or else they just don’t, not on their own.

They appear as 20 things I need to get done at once,
which installs and perpetuates stress in an never ending fashion.

For example, I am going into town to buy some eggs, shampoo and photocopies, in 3 distinct places which are 5 to 8 min walk of each other. Easy Peasy, you don’t even need to think about it, right? No – I see all the combinations & alternative routes to get there, the pros and cons of taking each one, which constantly change as I add new information. Knowing which is the first of the 3 destinations I need to get to becomes a maze I need to solve.

And at the market I usually add up in my head each purchase as I go, to keep track of my budget. When in chaos I need to add up everything from the start, each time I stop for a new item. So yes I redo in my head all the items I have bought until now and add up their price to get the total number. Because the last count just isn’t there anymore. Although I do feel its quite close.

Oh how lovely & adventurous, you might say.
But really, it is draining and somewhat terrifying.
And I wouldn’t dare say it out loud, and risk getting an appalled look.
And I don’t go to what if I function like this for everything, for the rest of my Life?

So when it happens I just go tender, and help structure.

I write a list on paper.
And as I walk into town,
I just repeat the list in my head, over and over.
So, I stop to at super U and get a small bottle of almond shampoo, then I walk to the copy center, I say hi, go to the photocopier, get out my blue USB key, print out the 3 pdf on single sheets of paper, get back to the counter, get out my card to be marked, walk to biocoop, get out an empty egg carton from my bag … and repeat.
I talk the moves before I make them.

It’s small, it works, and that’s really just what counts.
It makes me feel safe and calms me down.
It gives me a sense of direction, rather than an internal Big Bang.

Because truly,
I know how to count and make an optimized route.
They just happen to be colliding inside with a pocket of panic,
which temporarily blurs the GPS.
The information is there, it is just not accessible in high stress.

so it’s OK, I’ll just repeat the list.

Back to Top