Its OK, I’ll just repeat the list

These mornings, my mind has been pretty chaotic,
to the extent that the next 30 minutes are a blur.
I can forget or not be quite clear on what to do next
I have all the todoes in my head,
I just can’t seem to figure out how they line up.

I have to focus on them,
Or else they just don’t, not on their own.

They appear as 20 things I need to get done at once,
which installs and perpetuates stress in an never ending fashion.

For example, I am going into town to buy some eggs, shampoo and photocopies, in 3 distinct places which are 5 to 8 min walk of each other. Easy Peasy, you don’t even need to think about it, right? No – I see all the combinations & alternative routes to get there, the pros and cons of taking each one, which constantly change as I add new information. Knowing which is the first of the 3 destinations I need to get to becomes a maze I need to solve.

And at the market I usually add up in my head each purchase as I go, to keep track of my budget. When in chaos I need to add up everything from the start, each time I stop for a new item. So yes I redo in my head all the items I have bought until now and add up their price to get the total number. Because the last count just isn’t there anymore. Although I do feel its quite close.

Oh how lovely & adventurous, you might say.
But really, it is draining and somewhat terrifying.
And I wouldn’t dare say it out loud, and risk getting an appalled look.
And I don’t go to what if I function like this for everything, for the rest of my Life?

So when it happens I just go tender, and help structure.

I write a list on paper.
And as I walk into town,
I just repeat the list in my head, over and over.
So, I stop to at super U and get a small bottle of almond shampoo, then I walk to the copy center, I say hi, go to the photocopier, get out my blue USB key, print out the 3 pdf on single sheets of paper, get back to the counter, get out my card to be marked, walk to biocoop, get out an empty egg carton from my bag … and repeat.
I talk the moves before I make them.

It’s small, it works, and that’s really just what counts.
It makes me feel safe and calms me down.
It gives me a sense of direction, rather than an internal Big Bang.

Because truly,
I know how to count and make an optimized route.
They just happen to be colliding inside with a pocket of panic,
which temporarily blurs the GPS.
The information is there, it is just not accessible in high stress.

so it’s OK, I’ll just repeat the list.